Have you ever thought to yourself, "I can't believe he/she would do that." Or, "Where are the parents?" Well, I know I have. But this week I've learned a huge lesson. You never really know what's going on with other people, do you?

As a mother and parent mentor for yet another teenage girl, I come face to face with my judgments and negative reactions. Just like judging a book by it's cover, we tend to immediately perceive the other person through the lens of our own life. Well, WE surely wouldn't do that. Or WE would have perfect children, etc. But upon closer inspection, what you find is someone trying to survive, just like us. And, digging deeper, you find bigger problems, roots entangled in dysfunction and someone with so much courage that they are trying to put on a brave face. That is courage. Showing up each day, despite all the issues and despite all the hardships.

I have been humbled and saddened this week that I know a child like this. Parental involvement = zilch. Crisis situations = many. School = a last priority. How can this kid succeed, I ask myself. My only answer is....because she knows better. She knows that this is not right, she told me so. She knows how she wants to live, and how she will do it differently. I am clinging to that hope for her future.

So, this week, before we pass judgment quickly, ask yourself if there may be more than meets the eye going on. Usually there is.

Transitions

Question: What are you doing differently in 2012? Have you decided to make any significant or not-so-significant changes? If you have, why now?

It seems like most of us have been holding our breath for a few years, and we're finally exhaling to new adventures, lifestyle changes and increased awareness of what's happening in our relationships. Could it be that we've decided that life must go on even if...the job market is lousy, most mortgages are underwater, the news becomes more depressing and life in general gets more difficult.

Several transitions are going on here as well. First, I am back to blogging! However, my focus has shifted to include wellness, coping strategies and inspirations that can help us all in the journey of life. As I make my way to my new career as a Professional Licensed Counselor, I am learning so many ways to help myself with my own issues, that surely some of the ideas can be useful to you as well.

First, this year I am using a Gratitude Journal. There's even an app for that! In fact, I love the app because I can use a photo with it and I am capturing daily reminders of what I am thankful for. I can't wait to look back over the year on New Year's Eve. My goal is to use it daily, but honestly some days I slack off. But, I'm grateful for slacking off, so it works.

Also, I'm eating better. It's amazing how much better I feel when I eat clean and eliminate the sugar and junk. My goal is to eat well on weekdays so that the weekends can be more relaxed. Before, I was out of control with my poor eating habits because I am habitually stressed and would reward myself with food...like a dog. For a great reference, please check out my cousin, Mercedes Turino, who is a Health Coach and inspiration! http://www.facebook.com/HealthyIntuition

Ch..Ch...Ch..Changes....

I have had a three month sabbatical from blogging after a quick startup, but here I am again! Actually, the reasons for not blogging have been plentiful.

One, I made a rather LARGE decision in my life. I decided to go back to graduate school (while still working) and step out of the corporate world into the soul-focused, inner workings of counseling. I will be (in three years or less) a licensed marriage and family therapist. This decision has been a culmination of so many things dating way back, it's odd that I didn't do this earlier.

Two, the holidays had me a little blue. My beloved grandmother passed away, my family was in and out, then its just over. I don't like the over part. I like the fun, the laughing, the memories, then I miss them terribly when January hits.

Third, who cares what I think anyways? I got a serious case of the "what am I doing?" malady. Self-doubt crept in, and brought with it a generous helping of I-know-nothing about nothing. So, I disregarded my thoughts and ramblings and purpose for writing this, and stuffed it inside.

Needless to say, "I'm BAAACCCK." I have been doing some soul searching (with the help of my counseling classes because you can't help but analyze yourself) and discovered a few things. First, we all are a little screwy. Everyone's got something that they hide, keep in their past or ignore. So, never feel like someone else is better than you - they just have a different path. Second, we all have biases. Most of us would say, "I love everyone and I want peace on earth!" Baloney! You may cringe or judge someone who is not like you, even if you don't show it outwardly. Third, I love listening to what makes people tick, and tock. And fourth, I am impatient as hell. I like to bulldoze through life and get to the next thing, which really makes it hard to stay mentally healthy because I'm doing 10 things at once! Okay, maybe this new career path is really just for me....

Until next time....

Utopia

What would your version of Utopia look like? I got to thinking about this recently when my oldest daughter came home with an Advanced Language Arts book about Utopia. We generally are too busy dealing with what is than trying to create what if. The real question is, can we achieve our own version of Utopia if we set our minds to it? First, I wanted to start by defining my Utopia. My Utopia would look like this:

1. My children would never get sick.
2. I would live to be 100 years old.
3. I would no longer tell myself negative body image thoughts. (Wouldn't this change your life if you stopped telling yourself how much you hated your _____.)
4. I would schedule time for fun each day.
5. There would be no more family drama.
6. I would work at something that I was passionate about and wouldn't care if I made a dime.
7. Then again, I would already be uber-rich.
8. I would show my friends how much I loved them by my actions and we'd spend time on fabulous adventures.
9. I would spend quality time with my husband EVERY day and make date nights a non-negotiable thing.
10. My husband would respond to the above by lavishing me with compliments and gifts! :)
11. I would have a farm and a lot more animals.
12. I would be more like my sister and see the fun in EVERYTHING.
13. I would be more like my brother and follow my dreams.
14. I would adore my mother all the time.
15. I would always dress cool.
16. There would be no bad hair days.
17. All of my debts would be paid.
18. I would meditate.
19. I would do Pilates and yoga everyday - then go for a horseback ride on my farm (see 11).
20. I would get a college degree in something I really loved this time.
21. I would never ignore little red flags.
22. I would eat healthy 80% of the time. (I mean, really, who could do 100%?)
23. I would drink more wine.
24. I would travel to see all my loved ones regularly.
25. I would live in each moment aware of the past and future, but completely engrossed in the present.

This is actually a lot harder than it seems because reality keeps whispering in my head. I don't know, I think I am going to try a few of these on my list. Nothing is perfect, but I really think we need to create the life we want to live. I am off to try it...until next time.

Changing Seasons

Today it feels like fall and with it, a sense of change. I typically like fall, however, lately I've been feeling like its a sort of a death. A death of summer and all that summer conjures up. I absolutely love summer because 1) the kids are home and playful 2) the sun is shining - hopefully on me and 3) there's a party attitude in all of us to get outside and be happy. But when the tan fades, so does the party so to speak. School starts, routines kick in, and the holiday stress begins. Now, fall colors are beautiful and heck, who doesn't love a Spartan football game? (My family: don't answer that!) But we know what's coming: WINTER. And the only good thing about winter is that it brings spring, which brings summer.

I was recently told by a very wise spiritual mentor and relative that I was going through a mid-life transit. These are typically called mid-life crisis. I don't feel in crisis but I definitely feel in transit. So, change not only happens with the seasons, it happens to us internally. And, its happening to me right now. It could be something as simple as a new hairstyle (done), purging of your stuff (done) or something much larger like following a dream (working on...). I just know that I am not always where I am supposed to be, if that makes any sense. Like there's something greater that I should be doing and I am so impatient to figure out what it is. This has happened alot in my life, so this must be my journey...

Change also happens to friendships, I think - and especially to women. Lately, I have been really blessed to realize that a few people who I admire have really welcomed me into their lives. I love that realization that comes when you feel the feeling of "they like me!" Colder change happens when you realize that certain friends don't have as much in common with you anymore, or they aren't as available. Although I think all things ebb and flow, sometimes with friends, the ebb continues to a point of flatness. And as much as you try, it just doesn't seem to flow anymore.

Watching your children go to school definitely makes you realize how much has changed, doesn't it?! Each year brings new opportunities for them to make their way in the world, and watching them grow is amazing. Alyssa is in 7th grade, and OMG, I remember what we did in 7th grade! I had my first french kiss in 7th grade - god help that poor boy in South Dakota (who is now a very rich dentist!). And Sierra is in 4th grade and struggling to free all her creativity - so it seeps out in little unexpected ways, which I love.

I have the following quote on my desk at all times, and it's about change:

We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, as to have the life that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

Until next time...

SHE and ME - The Pre-Teen Version

Nothing ruins a sunny disposition faster than pre-teen attitude. Am I right? You wake up, the sun is shining, you are organized for the day, then...SHE wakes up. SHE looks like your first-born; the chubby cheeked babe you held and sang to and played patty-cake with. Only, this version is more like Dr. Jekkyl, Mr. Hyde. SHE is beautiful on the surface, but the minute she opens her mouth, you know. IT'S GONNA BE LONG DAY. Because, don't you know?! The sky is not blue, nothing is good, and you have to be silent until SHE allows you to say "hello".

I realize that every parent goes through this, and this is normal. But I thought I'd be special and either be saved from it, because my kids are superior, or I would be able to handle pre-teen drama so well, that it wouldn't even register as a problem. Ummm, what was I thinking? It is an infectious disease, a black cloud and can quickly turn a happy mommy into a raving lunatic because there are crumbs on the counter.

I have learned on the field of pre-teen battle how to gauge HER. One, do not speak first. This really sets her off. Two, only offer a small, light hug in the morning unless she squeezes you tighter, and then go for the full hug and kiss. Three, never tell her it's a beautiful day. Who am I to know that today may mean doom? And four, pick you battles. Yes, everyone says this and it's very true. With each smartmouth comment you want to ground HER forever, but I would go nuts trying to enforce every offense. So, I build them up. After a few, I give the look. That shuts HER up for a while. Then, I warn...which is usually followed by another smartmouth comment, which I ignore. (Remember when they said to ignore a two-year old's temper tantrums? I think they should have told you to that you'll need this again later). Then, we start with the consequences, which really escalates the drama. SHE does not like to have all her Tivo'd shows deleted, nor does SHE like her new clothing returned to the store, nor does SHE like to lose her ice cream privileges...don't I know!

I know I will get through this...I think I can...I think I can...

When SHE is tired, SHE wears down and becomes the cuddly baby and I soak it in like a mini-retreat. These little loveable breaks are enough fuel to get me through until the next day.

And, just think, I have one more SHE coming up the pipeline....

Celebrations!

My husband, Mike and I recently celebrated our 5 year anniversary. Can you believe it? Instead of just dinner, or dinner and a movie, we did it up in style! My husband actually planned a weekend away at a resort, spa services, all meals AND a gift for me! Again, can you believe it? It got me thinking...how often are we missing opportunities to celebrate marriage, family and life in general? I know in my case, we are often missing the little victories that could really make someone's day. Now, in my family, we are no strangers to parties and festivity-making on a large scale. When we are all together, it's often a party for no reason!

But what about the times when a new client was landed, or a day you stuck to your diet, or a child gets an A on a tough class project? Or just a celebration of a beautiful sunny day? I know we could all use more positive encouragement and a pat on the back for a job well done. In fact, every "How to Stay Married Forever" type book lists celebrations as one of the best things you can do for your marriage.

Now, we all know it doesn't have to be a four-star restaurant and champagne. Not my idea of a celebration anyhow. To me, SHOWING UP IN SOMEONE'S LIFE TO WITNESS HAPPINESS is a celebration. Acknowledging, wallowing and marinating in their happiness for a while is what a celebration really is.

Maybe this weekend, maybe next week, or later this month there will be a perfect opportunity to celebrate a little of life's happiness. Celebrate good times, come on! (Now I got you singing....)

Co-Parenting Is Difficult!

As most of you know, I have been divorced for eight and a half years, but co-parent two amazing daughters with my ex-husband. I have now been married for five years to God's gift to our lives, my husband, Mike, who puts it all in perspective and loves unconditionally.

I really thought it would take a little longer to delve into the co-parenting issues, but alas, no such luck! The girls came home from their dad's house last night with their THIRD iPod. They had each received one from a grandparent when they first came out, and a second from their dad last year. Now, it isn't that they've lost the first two. No, their dad bought them the newest version, the iTouch - each - ouch! Supposedly they received them for doing well on their report cards. In my world of parenting, you should do well on your report card because you are a conscientious student! I was needless to say irked that I would once again have to explain that greed and gluttony were bad things and that three iPods each was NOT NORMAL AND ADULT LIFE WON'T BE LIKE THAT!

But it really isn't the girl's fault - they didn't buy them! It's their father's fault for continuously giving gifts as a form of love/guilt. All of us who are divorced know this feeling. You aren't ENOUGH - around enough, fun enough, hard enough, soft enough. It is like a rollercoaster ride of emotions when you have been divorced and are trying to parent children with two sets of ideals. Heck, even married parents have a hard time when values differ, but divorce takes it up a notch.

Several things about this issue bother me. One, they will never appreciate what they have if they keep getting the upgraded version. Two, do two pre-teens really need an iTouch? Three, I don't agree with getting rewarded to such an extent for good grades.

Is there anything I can do about it? Nope. This is a normal occurance in a divorce situation and neither of us as parents can control the other's behavior. Who suffers? Even though the kids think they are making out like bandits, I think they know deep down that they are spoiled because we parent's can't handle our guilt at the situation. They see the eyerolling (okay, I try really hard not to do that, but it just happens sometimes!)and hear the lectures about how in life, you don't normally get THREE iPods, or 65 Webkinz or the latest Nordstrom outfit. The hard part is telling them life will be harder, when their reality is easy.

I think (and I am right!) that kids spell love, TIME not iPOD. That's what I am working on today through my co-parenting journey. It's always somethin'!

Welcome!

Welcome to my first blog! Why in the world is it titled Glorious Ambiguity? Well, I have always been touched by the Gilda Radner quote:

I always wanted a happy ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.
- Gilda Radner

Don't we all struggle with the ambiguous part? I know I do - I like clean breaks, quick decisions, simple moral dilemnas. But what usually happens is messy conversations, grey areas, neither a right or a wrong. Maybe I want to control all the outcomes and have my life be the perfect picture. So far, it hasn't been perfect, but it has been Glorious. Glorious triumphs and glorious failures. I am learning to live with all of it.

I am a seeker of ideas, thoughts and viewpoints. I am ALWAYS researching something! I want to share what I come across with all of you so we can all be on this path together. Hopefully you can share with me as well. I don't have all the answers but I will keep searching for peace and accepting what comes my way in the process.

I'll more than likely write about family (and boy, do I have a lot to say!), marriage, divorce, parenting and work/life balance. I hope to inspire my family and friends, learn from them, fill their buckets (www.bucketfillers.com), and set good examples for my daughters. Geez, just writing that makes my anxiety skyrocket! I hope I can do it all!

Until next time!